Autistic and Proud

I haven’t written anything since December.

I’ve tried, but couldn’t manage.

I thought I was experiencing writer’s block.

But what if it hasn’t been just that?

What if my autism has something to do with it ?

Ever since December I’ve been experiencing stress, anxiety, and facing uncertainties.

Just before Christmas, we learned that our guinea pig Loki has several tumors.

The vet wasn’t even sure whether she’d make it to Christmas.

Yet, she’s still here.

But now, the tumors have grown so much bigger.

We still don’t know how much longer Loki has, days, weeks, months….

Nobody knows.

These months of worries, anxiety, and especially uncertainty have had a huge effect on me.

Most of the time, I can’t get myself to engage in my hobbies, or other activities.

My executive functioning is so much worse than it was before.

I want to do things, but my mind doesn’t want to do them, or I can’t put my thoughts into actions.

I’m also tired more often  and have been experiencing sensory overload more frequently.

I’ve learned that feeling tired doesn’t always mean that you’re just tired.

It could also be that I’m misinterpreting sensory overload.

If resting doesn’t help, it’s sensory overload.

If doing an activity makes me less tired, it’s also sensory overload.

Apparently, us Autistics often confuse the two.

And I am no exception.

Then  there’s also uncertainty.

Uncertainty can be such a trigger for us Autistics.

Structure and predictability are so important to keep regulated.

Uncertainty causes anxiety for me.

And sensory overload.

I need my structure.

So what I thought was writer’s block was actually rooted in my autism.

I have to accept that all this uncertainty is here to stay for the foreseeable future.

There’s nothing that can be done about it, so acceptance is important.

I need to treasure the time we have left with Loki, and I do.

Every day together since December has been a gift.

I might be experiencing anxiety, sensory overload and executive dysfunction…

But having Loki with me is so much more important than all that.

She’s my best friend, my rock.

What I can do is try to keep some structure.

Go to work, take care of Loki, go on walks, take my rest, do mindfulness.

And talk about it, or write it down. 

Share my feelings and anxiety.

Keeping it all in will only make it worse.

It would mean internalizing it all, which, in my experience, would only make it grow and get worse.