I used to believe that I was a procrastinator. When in college, starting from my second year somewhere, I became unable to start doing my homework on time. I knew very well when it was time to start, but I didn’t do it. Research papers were increasingly challenging to finish in time for my deadlines. Oftentimes, I worked all night because I could only start writing when I was haunted by my deadlines. I felt like I was too easily distracted by pretty much anything that wasn’t my actual homework.

At the time, I was yet to receive my autism diagnosis. That wouldn’t happen until July 13th, 2019 – 3 years after my graduation. When that happened, I started to understand my life and myself better. Eventually, I learned about the concepts of ‘executive functions’ and ‘executive dysfunction’, the latter being quite common among autistic individuals. They both have to do with planning, organizing, and managing tasks. The ‘dysfunction’- part indicates difficulties regarding these elements of live, leading for example to having difficulties with starting tasks, organization, time management, and planning. There is more to executive functions and - dysfunction, but these elements are what’s most significant for this story.

Learning about these concepts helped me understand why it is so difficult for me to do tasks. I can recognize that I should do a certain thing. That is not a problem. The problem is turning it into the action necessary to perform the task. For me, it feels like there is no connection between my brain and my body, kind of like there is an invisible wall I have to go through but can’t. Thus, I am stuck, unable to move past the thought that I have to do ‘the thing’. I can even know all the steps I need to take to perform a task, yet still be unable to do them. 

The tasks that conjure up the invisible wall can differ from day to day, even from moment to moment. It can even be something seemingly easy, like picking up something that has fallen onto the floor. For me, it is influenced by several things, such as: how I am feeling; being under- or overwhelmed; being tired. All these things influence my functioning to a large extent. Often, they also go hand-in-hand with one another. For instance: when I’m tired, it influences my mood but also causes me to be quickly overwhelmed.

For everyone on the outside, it may seem like you’re unwilling to perform a task or perhaps that you’re too lazy to do it. On the inside, however, you’re battling to get through the wall, fighting with yourself, trying to find a way through. This is often very frustrating and can be exhausting as well. For me, sometimes it’s only certain moments during the day. However, I’ve had plenty of days – or several days in a row – where this happened with almost everything I wanted to do. Those days, I’d be laying in bed longer because I couldn’t get up; sitting on the couch scrolling on my phone because I couldn’t do anything else even though I wanted to. It seems like I’m doing nothing, just being lazy perhaps, but I’m struggling intensely with myself.

It was the same in college, I later recognized. I wasn’t procrastinating at all. It was executive dysfunction all along. All these elements I mentioned earlier – starting tasks, organization, time management, planning – these were all things I found extremely difficult to do. They often felt impossible to do and I frequently wondered how others could possibly manage it all (and have jobs or a social life as well). As a result, I spent almost all of my time at home at the kitchen table, struggling to do my homework without being distracted by everything else. Honestly, I still don’t know how I managed to finish my master’s thesis and get a good grade for it. But I am very proud of myself that I did. 

I still struggle with executive dysfunction a lot, basically every day. It’s the main reason why I don’t post regularly on my blog. There are so many things I want to do, like writing for my blog, but executive dysfunction makes it all so difficult. It makes things often feel impossible to do, affecting my mood, which in turn can make it all even more difficult. Therefore, when I do feel like I can actually write, I jump to it and enjoy the moment.