Autistic and Proud

“If you want a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”

• Albert Einstein

There are many quotes from Albert Einstein out there. Here, he may have  a point, but I cannot say that I agree entirely with his idea. I have always tied my life to a goal: being successful in school. From an early age, this was my main focus. It started in primary school, went on through high school, and all the way through college. I was in hyperfocus for all these years, and almost nothing existed outside of it. Sure, I had friends I loved to spend time with, as well as my family. However, school always came first, it was so important to me to be successful in school that everything else was secondary. My perfectionist nature had a lot to do with this. Only high grades were acceptable in my book, and I was disappointed when I didn’t achieve them. No matter how many times I was told that you don’t always have to have the highest grades, I just could not accept that. 

               According to Einstein’s quote, this should have given me a happy life. This is something I struggle with. Did this make me happy? Was it enough for me? No, I don’t believe it was. I was under such pressure from myself that I couldn’t always enjoy my studies. I loved learning, I still do, but it wasn’t enough. Without my family, I would never have been so successful in school. They took care of me, supported me, and helped me get through it all without breaking down completely. Without them, I honestly don’t know whether I would have successfully finished college. They were there at the times when I had a breakdown, which became increasingly frequent as my college years progressed. They rooted me on, supported me, talked reason into me when I needed it. I don’t know if I was happy at the time, I didn’t stop to think about that because I was always studying, but without my family I certainly would not have been. I would have been a mess, broken down, and may not have completed college at all. So, in this regard, I don’t believe that Einstein was right in saying that you shouldn’t tie your life to people if you desire to be happy. If I hadn’t done so, I would have been less happy than I was. I wouldn’t have been able to pursue my studies successfully, and I would probably have been miserable.

               I may not believe that to live a happy live, you shouldn’t tie it to people, I do believe that having a goal in life could increase your happiness – to an extent. When I finished college, I fell into a hole. I had finally achieved my goal: I had completed all levels of school. When that went away, everything came falling down inside me. I fell into a depression and a burnout that lasted a long time. I didn’t know how to get out and I fell deeper and deeper. It got so far that I didn’t want to live anymore. I just wanted to be with my grandparents and uncle in heaven. 

               I needed help desperately, and I got it. After a lot of talking with professionals I turned out to be autistic. As long as I had a goal, I had been able to keep myself together. I had been in hyperfocus all these years. My new goal became to get better, to get to know my autistic self, and essentially find myself again. I worked hard, I still do, to get to know my true self and figure out my place in this world. I had always felt different, but now I realized it wasn’t just me. There was a whole community out there, of people who were different as well. This made me feel so much better and was such a relief. Again, I relied on people to become happier. It was professionals I relied upon; a community of people I may not have known but whose presence was enough for me; and again, my family, who were there every step of the way. So again, I had a goal to focus on that increased my happiness. However, this was also tied to the people who were there to help me achieve my goal. This is still the case today.

               Presently, I’m finally able to focus on a new goal: to find parttime work that allows me to use the skills that I have learned in college. I’m still working on getting better and getting to know myself, but there is room for this new goal as well. I notice that this has made me more positive and enthusiastic about the future. I want to be a writer in the future. I may not be sure what I want to write about just yet, but that’s my goal in life. So I bought a laptop and started writing. ‘There’s no time like the present’, they say. And I believe that’s true. If there’s something you want to achieve, you shouldn’t wait for the perfect moment, which may never seem to arrive. You have to try, or you won’t know whether your goal or dream is possible. So, yes, having a goal has yet again increased my happiness. Nevertheless, I again have to tie it to people to achieve this. Without the support of the people around me, I wouldn’t have thought it possible for me to look for a parttime job that fits my skillset. I would have still seen that as an impossibility for the present, another plan for the future, and who knows how long that may have lasted.  

               So, no, I do not agree with Einstein that in order to achieve happiness, you should tie it to a goal and not to people or things. For my entire life, my happiness has depended on both having goals as well as on people. These people were mainly my family. There have been friends and professionals, there still are, but my family has been the one constant when it comes to people that were important for my happiness. For Einstein, this may have been different, for others it may be too. I suppose it depends on one’s situation and experiences in life. For me, however, both having goals and people are necessary to be happy. I don’t know where I would be without my family, but I do know that I would never have achieved all that I have without them. And I am very thankful for them and love them very much for it.